eight hours

You’re holding onto eight hours of happiness, but it’s causing you days of anguish.

You mull over the details. The smiles- were they genuine? The affirmation at the end- did he mean it? The connection- was it one-sided, was it real?

You shared a piece of yourself. You taught him how to move within, how to let go, how to be free. And you think he is, until he tells you he isn’t. His heart is tethered and you don’t know what to do.

He doesn’t begin engagements. He doesn’t text, call, ask to hang out. You let time pass and you wonder: maybe he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t text often, maybe he’s the kind of unemployed fellow who is constantly busy, maybe he uses his text plan sparingly.

You’re holding onto eight hours of happiness. You think to yourself: what did I say, and was any of it wrong? Should you have acted differently, should you stop thinking about it, should you give in and just contact him? And if you wait, do you prostrate yourself in front of The Game? Because that’s what it would be: playing the game. Do you want to open that door, take that step? Are you willing to play until you think you’ve won, which is, you’re hoping, when you’ve both won?

But you do want to win. So you play. And it’s risky, because you’re betting against the wall you’ve been building around your heart for more than four fucking years. You’re betting against the feelings that keep you headstrong. The feelings that will keep your heart beating for the rest of your life.

4 months ago  /  0 notes

Past Forward

In high school I had a friend who I lost touch with in the transition to college. She recently met my cousin by some twist of fate and unloaded her thoughts on him— her crush on me, our friendship, the disconnect. So my cousin asked me about her, and I thought about what happened. The truth is that I absolutely don’t remember. I know the person I am now wouldn’t allow myself to outright ignore someone, even if I abhorred them.

Then she sent me a few messages. Eventually she asked:

“I do have to ask you one thing- maybe this is how I remember it after a bunch of years (omg 6 years since we graduated highschool!!) but why did you never talk to me after we graduated? I’m not angry about it at all, I just was always wondering if I had done something to offend you inadvertently and always felt terrible about that possibility.”

And I really felt the need to respond with all of my heart. The heart that has changed and grown and fortified itself after years of challenges.

“To be honest, I don’t remember much about high school— especially senior year. What I can tell you is that you shouldn’t feel terribly at all. I don’t have any negative memories of our time together. In fact you should never feel terrible; sure, people change, but you can’t change how genuinely good-natured they can be, and you’re up there. Senior year and the summer before college was an enormous growth and transition period for me. I came out of the closet, was able to be myself around friends and family and I discovered life outside of Howell. I don’t even know if I would call it a difficult point in my life, because I don’t actually believe in hardship- just experiences that you can either choose to learn from or you can ignore the lesson.

Recently I told my good friend Michael about growing apart from a childhood friend, Greg. I started with explanations as to why, but he called them excuses. He told me that it doesn’t matter why because people change, grow, learn from each other, grow apart and sometimes come back together to bond and teach each other new things. I wondered: how many times has this happened already, or will happen again? Michael is 40, and he says it doesn’t stop. It’s like the small talk conversation you have every day with a fresh face- “hi, what’s your name, what do you do, what’re your hobbies?” It happens all of the time. So I don’t fight it at all. I let my connections come and go naturally and the ones that stick around now could be gone soon. But he ended the talk by saying yes, people can change and reinvent themselves. But they’re never too far from where they started, so if it’s the right time to reconnect then let it happen. The compatibility potential is still there. That’s where we are right now, so I say definitely let me know when you’re in Howell next. I’m in Philly Saturday and my schedule can be crap sometimes because I’m always on call, but I’d like to reconnect. I hope this helps and I want you to smile at the end of this.

So, smile.

Kev”

10 months ago  /  0 notes

coldest story ever told

i want to be free from the disappointment of love. if i was an exception to it- which is a feeling worse than any other- would i have to be emotionless? is it a package deal? as in: you can’t be hurt by love, but that means you can’t really feel anything worthwhile, either. i imagine that would be the case… i’m either robotic and emotions can hit me in unrelenting waves and i wouldn’t waver, or i’m human and susceptible to the chemistry of attraction. or i can build a wall so high that one who would once be considered turns out to not be good enough.

this post assumes that i have loved. i believe i have, and i’ve never felt anything like it for anyone else. it’s strange when your friends think you should date a guy because they think he’s perfect for you. but i know when i love someone. i know. and it’s not like i haven’t had prospects come up, but i don’t feel as though dating them would help. or even be right. i can’t date someone who i don’t feel anything for. maybe that’s what’s wrong with me- i need to date people to get over it, but i can’t bring myself to date someone else. hm, that’s it. i should try it. decided.

1 year ago  /  0 notes